Hit or Miss - How are we raising our boys?

The hot topic at the moment is the matter of random, drunken violence on the streets of Sydney at night. There have been widely publicised incidents of serious injury or death resulting from a “King Hit” (“Coward Hit”) on an innocent bystander by a drunken young man.

Many solutions have been suggested such as Premier Barry O’Farrell’s “one-punch” law sentencing offenders to a maximum 20 years in gaol. Others include higher taxes on alcohol, earlier closing times for nightclubs and more police on the streets. These may be helpful as band aid solutions for now, but how can we tackle this issue from a grassroots level for the young adults of the future?

Consider this scenario:

A young man has just had an argument with his girlfriend and instead of taking some time to cool down and effectively deal with the issue, he decides to have a few drinks to dull his anger. At first, as the alcohol depresses his emotions, he has the feeling of being more relaxed. But those feelings of anger/hurt/disappointment over the argument with his girlfriend are still simmering under the surface.

Now he heads out with a few friends. They are all drinking heavily and he hasn’t forgotten about what his girlfriend said to him in the argument. In fact, he may be starting to replay the argument over in his head. His anger rises although it is still just bubbling under the surface and not outwardly showing.

He is now lining up outside a nightclub, waiting to get in. Why won’t the line move faster? Why won’t that jerk in front of him stop that stupid laughing and carrying on? Small things are irritating him and his agitation grows. He has been drinking for some time and his judgement is now considerably hampered. Suddenly someone bumps into his shoulder as they walk by. He is filled with rage, turns and throws a furious punch that is fuelled by much more than just that bump on the shoulder.

At what point should this young man have had some sort of intervention? Should his friends have stopped him drinking so much? Should his girlfriend have made sure they patched things up before he left? If alcohol was taxed more heavily would he have had less to drink? Should he be thrown in gaol as punishment?

It is my opinion that the intervention should have come much, much earlier; years earlier, in fact.

Could the problem stem from the way in which we raise our boys to be tough and not show emotion, allowing anger to bubble under the surface?

What happens when we do bottle up our emotions? It is likely to come out in a negative and explosive way after the last straw has been broken.

“Stop crying like a girl”, “C’mon, be a big boy now” and “Don’t carry on like a baby” are some of the ways in which we are teaching our boys that expressing emotion is something to be ashamed of and to be hidden at all costs. With negative emotions lying just beneath the surface, even a child is more likely to explode over something trivial such as a spilt drink or unshared toy because they are already on edge.

Could the suppression of emotion that we expect from our boys create nothing more than a ticking time bomb in the wrong situation?

Is there a connection between a young man’s inability to process emotion in a healthy way and the explosion of violence that can occur once their sensibilities are dampened by drugs or alcohol?

It is my belief that a person’s ability to healthily deal with emotions is the cornerstone of a well-adjusted and successful adulthood. From the earliest age it is important for children to be sympathised with, listened to and comforted, for this is the process by which they learn empathy. Seeing adult role models in their lives dealing with anger and sadness in healthy ways also demonstrates that these emotions are a normal part of life. They are not something to be brushed under the carpet and ignored until they are so big that they become a walking time bomb in themselves.

Of course, mental health care services for men also need to be accessible in order for them to learn to deal with unresolved anger and process emotion if that hasn’t been learned growing up.

If we encourage our boys to show emotion in healthy ways at the source of issues, surely this is setting the standard by which they can live as adults. As a society, it is our duty to not only make this acceptable, but to insist that a man showing his emotions in a healthy way is seen in a positive light.

What will you do to support the emotional health of the men in your life?

*Image courtesy of www.couriermail.com.au